If you’ve ever knelt on the kitchen floor next to a sobbing child because their banana broke in half, you’re not alone. Big feelings tend to show up over the smallest things, and right as your little one starts to unravel, you can feel yourself starting to unravel too. In those moments we just want the hurting (and, honestly, the screaming) to stop, so we plead, explain, or raise our voice.
Often, their feelings only get bigger. Our kids initially learn to calm themselves by being in the presence of someone who can model skills for riding out tough feelings in a safe and supportive way.. As co-regulators, parents can provide the calm kids can lean on until they regain their own. Every time you stay with your children through a hard moment or feeling, you’re teaching them how to calm big feelings.
To a kid who is in the “red zone,” our words matter. Saying the words “calm down” or “stop crying” can make it seem like their feelings are not ok, and may make it worse. When our voices get louder, theirs usually do too. I like the example of being the pilot on an airplane in helping our kids feel calm. Think about the last time you hit turbulence on a flight. The plane shakes and everyone glances around a little nervously. Then the pilot comes over the speaker, voice steady and unhurried: “Folks, we’re moving through some bumpy air. Nothing to worry about.” Just like that, the whole cabin exhales. But if the pilot sounded panicked or yelled, “Everyone just calm down!”, everyone on the plane would panic! Parenting through big feelings works the same way. We can’t always stop the turbulence, but we can be the calm voice in the cockpit. Our kids feel our calm, or our stress, before they hear a single word we say, so keeping ourselves calm, cool, and collected in the moment is the first step in helping them. Here are some strategies parents can use to help children through a meltdown.
How to Help Your Child Through a Meltdown: 7 Steps for Calm Parenting
● Start by noticing what’s happening in your body, like a tight jaw, a hot face, or the urge to yell. Then breathe. It also helps to change the story you’re telling yourself. Instead of “Why is she doing this to me?” try “She’s having a hard time, not giving me one.” If you need a moment and your child is safe, it’s okay to say, “I need a minute to calm my body. I’ll be right back.” Stepping away to breathe isn’t a bad thing. It shows them exactly what we hope they’ll learn to do someday.
● Once you are calm, get close and come down to their level. Some kids want to be held and others need a little space, but either way, let them know you’re right there.
● Keep your words few and soft, and name what you see: “You’re so mad that your screen time has ended.” Feeling seen is often where feeling calmer begins. You can honor the feeling while still keeping everyone safe and holding boundaries: “It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hit me, though.”
● Then offer comfort and let the storm pass. Ask, “Do you want a hug, or should I just sit here with you?” You don’t need to fix it or hurry it along. Just breathe slowly beside them and be the steady place they can come back to.
● After everyone has calmed down, reconnect first with a hug, a silly joke, or a quiet cuddle.
● Once things feel more settled, you can gently talk about what happened and make a plan together for next time.
● Practicing calming tricks during calm moments, like pretending to smell a flower and blow out a candle, helps those strategies show up during the hard ones.
You’ll have days when it becomes challenging to use these strategies. Every parent does. What matters is coming back afterward: “I’m sorry I yelled. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t okay.” Words like these teach your child that our love doesn’t disappear after a hard moment. Offer yourself that same kindness, because you’re learning too.
If meltdowns happen very often, last a long time, involve someone getting hurt, or make everyday life feel hard, reach out to a therapist for extra support. Asking for help is just another way of caring for your family.
Helping our kids through big feelings isn’t about preventing every storm. It’s about being the safe harbor they can always come home to. You won’t always do it perfectly, and you don’t need to. Keep showing up, take a breath, and try again.
Michelle Molina, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
About the Author:
Ms. Michelle Molina, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at FamilyFirst Psychological Services, a mental health practice serving the Vienna, VA area, with expertise in providing psychotherapy to children, teens and families. Ms. Molina approaches therapy from a strengths-based, trauma-informed, attachment-based perspective. She utilizes play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). Her specific areas of interest include working with children and families to help them heal from trauma and build secure attachments, emotional regulation, anxiety, ADHD, and depression.
