As parents, it often feels as though we spend 24/7 attending to other people’s needs – if not
our children’s needs, then our spouse’s, our pets’, our boss’s, or maybe even our own parents’
needs. Being a parent and helping to run a household (not to mention also holding a job
outside of the household) often drains our personal resources and can take a toll on our own
mental health. It is difficult to find down time, and even harder to find ways to “re-charge”.
However, taking the time to attend to our own needs can be a crucial component of being a
good parent. As a dear (and wise) friend of mine once reminded me: “you need to put on your
own oxygen mask before you can put on someone else’s.”
Obviously finding the time to take care of one’s own needs can be tricky, and sometimes it
is even difficult to figure out what exactly those needs are (besides more sleep, which every
parent seems to need!). One way to approach this issue is to think about your needs in
categories, including intellectual, spiritual, emotional/social, and physical needs. Each person
is different in terms of which of those categories is most important (or most lacking), as well as
what types of activities may “count” for each category. Having a spirited political discussion
over dinner might meet one person’s intellectual needs, whereas another person may consider
figuring out where the drip is coming from under the sink to be a satisfying mental challenge.
Thus, each of us may take care of our needs in different ways, and there is really no right or
wrong way to go about it.
In terms of finding time for yourself, that same good friend also has a philosophy with regard
to her children; she often points out that she “isn’t helping them by helping them.” Obviously
our children do need our help and support. However, part of good parenting involves figuring
out when to step in and when to step back. Many of us slip into patterns of doing things for
our children that they are (or should be) capable of doing for themselves. Making an effort to
transfer age appropriate chores and responsibilities to our children can help free up time for us
to tend to ourselves. That extra 5 or 10 minutes spent over your cup of coffee in the morning
while your children pick out their own clothes and get themselves dressed can definitely make a
difference in terms of how ready you feel to face the day.
Finally, the same old tried and true recommendations for taking care of yourself also apply. If
you don’t currently pursue a hobby or interest, consider finding one and scheduling it in to your
week. Engaging in an activity that you enjoy for yourself can help reduce stress, improve your
mood and re-affirm your identity as a person (not just as a parent). Try to eat well, get some
form of regular exercise, and get enough sleep (or as much as you can). Finally, if you find
yourself frequently stressed, try some stress management techniques –practice deep breathing,
write in a journal, take a bath, listen to music you like, or take a walk. It really doesn’t matter
what form your “oxygen mask” takes, as long as it contributes positively to your overall health
and well-being.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
