Parenting is tough, even under ideal circumstances. When the job of parenting is complicated by the presence of an emotional, cognitive, or learning disorder in the child, the task can seem impossible at times. Moms and dads who have children with challenges not only struggle to manage their children’s behavior, they can also struggle to connect with their children, maintain healthy marriages, and cope with stress.
Commonly, family dynamics become tense when parents are tasked with managing a child with a mood disorder, ADHD, autism, learning disability, etc. Sometimes the primary family conflict involves mom and dad disagreeing about how to manage their child: how to reinforce appropriate behavior, how to handle discipline, how to get the homework done. Sometimes the primary conflict revolves around one parent blaming the other for the presence of the emotional or cognitive disorder in the child. At other times, difficulties can arise when a parent focuses on blaming himself or herself for the child having difficulties. Additionally, the parent-child relationship can be damaged when a parent harbors resentment towards the child for having challenges or blames the child for being a problem.
Because the demands of parenting a child with social, emotional, cognitive, or learning difficulties can be overwhelming, it is vitally important that moms and dads in this position not only take care of their child, but also take care of themselves properly. Here are some tips for self-care for the parents of challenging children:
• Seek support from family and close, trusted friends. Ask them to watch your child for an hour if you are becoming too overwhelmed or frustrated.
• Rather than trying to “fix” your child, focus most on developing your relationship with your child. Bring in professionals to do the intervention work. For example, if your child has ADHD or a learning disability, hire a knowledgeable tutor to help with organization skills and homework. Otherwise, both parent and child may become overly frustrated and resentful.
• If family interactions have become strained on a regular basis, consult with a psychotherapist about the utility of family therapy.
• Get professional support for yourself. If you are finding that you get upset or overwhelmed too easily and have trouble coping with stress, you might benefit from supportive psychotherapy. If your marriage has become strained because of parenting demands, couples therapy would likely be helpful.
• Join groups of parents who are in the same boat. There are many organizations that offer resources and support groups for parents of children with social, emotional, cognitive, and learning difficulties. Some examples include:
o Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (www.chadd.org)
o Commonwealth Autism Service (www.autismva.org)
o National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org)
o Learning Disabilities Association of America (www.ldanatl.org)
o National Institute of Mental Health (www.nimh.nih.gov)
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist