It is generally safe to assume that a person has a set of values he or she lives by. When asked, it is probably easy to identify a handful of personal core values. Yet, if pressed, how easy is it to name all the values that define who you are? Do you think your children could name your top three?
More often than not, we assume that not only do we understand what our values are without really needing to think about it, but we also assume our children and others know what those values are too. Just as we teach our children vocabulary to learn and understand new concepts, so too do we need to teach the vocabulary of personal and family values.
So, what are values? They are words, ideas, and standards we live by, that define our person, our family. Values may be taught to us through family tradition, including examples such as integrity, honor, bravery, or education. We learn values from our culture: togetherness, independence, or tradition. Values can come from spiritual means: faith, selflessness, compassion, or forgiveness, or from friends: trust, openness, honesty, and respect. We even have values we learn from our favorite sports team: loyalty, pride, and sportsmanship!
Our personal values define who we are. Values help a person make tough choices, pick their friends, and decide what to do in life, day in, and day out. Take a moment, and ask yourself the following questions. Do you notice any consistent values you rely on; or perhaps, values you were not fully aware you held?
– How do you choose to spend your free time?
– How did you decide on your job/career?
– How do you choose your close friends?
– What are the most important factors you consider when faced with tough choices?
– How do you react/respond when someone wrongs you?
– If someone described you in three words, what words would you hope they choose?
Defining and internalizing a set of personal values is an important part of developing your identity. Values offer a baseline for decision-making, problem solving, and choosing the people with whom you surround yourself. Values are our guideposts in navigating life’s curvy roads. Values help define our families, and help mold our children. As parents, the family values we establish serve as the foundation for the personal values our children adopt.
Throughout their lives, we can teach our children the things we value. As small children, it may be through songs or play. In grade school, it may be through drawings or games. In early and late adolescence, keeping a “values business card” in your pocket may be the way you choose to always remind yourself, and your children, of what is important. Either way, defining family values teaches the vocabulary and the skills needed to develop strong identities and a basis for making healthy decisions and tough choices throughout our children’s lives.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist