Most of us are familiar with the Serenity Prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This has become such a commonly known invocation that it is often considered just another trivial slogan. However, observations and discussions I have had with several clients in recent times leave me feeling that each section of this prayer warrants serious consideration.

First things first: “serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” All too often, we find ourselves feeling distress about things that have happened in the past, or about situations with or characteristics of others. These include a wide variety of issues such as past hurts, day-to-day irritants, aging parents, sleepless children, financial stresses, mental and physical health struggles of loved ones, and countless other problems. So often in therapy I hear clients saying “I would be fine if only he/she/they would …” while at least partly realizing that the situation is out of their control. In these situations, the only things we can actually control are our own mindset and our reactions. This recalls the Buddhist saying, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” 

Many forms of therapy, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) include the concept of Radical Acceptance. This entails a conscious effort to acknowledge and accept things as they are, instead of spending our energy and emotion wishing they were different or trying to ignore or avoid difficult situations and feelings. This is not easy, and involves practices including looking directly at situations, and mindfully and non-judgmentally experiencing discomfort. It is crucially important to recognize that accepting a situation does not mean that it is “acceptable” or that you are “ok” with it; acceptance also does not equal complacency. Rather, it means taking a compassionate approach to your own emotions without getting caught up in thinking, “if only.” Psychologist Tara Brach’s podcast, and her book “Radical Acceptance” are good resources to learn more about ways to change unhelpful thinking patterns.

Next: “courage to change the things I can.” In therapy sessions, I often find myself talking with clients about anxieties, frustrations, fears, and even anger about situations and events in their communities large and small. In these instances, people often find it helpful and empowering to explore how they can get involved and work toward change. As an example, one client is managing climate anxiety by leading a group learning about and working on sustainability efforts. Another, a high school student, is managing difficult emotions by getting involved in her school’s Gay Straight Alliance to provide education, advocacy, and support.

In relationships with ourselves and others, it is often necessary to change how we react to and communicate with others. Courage is crucial in these instances, as it can be frightening and painful to look at and acknowledge our own shortcomings, and to be bold and vulnerable enough to do things differently. Learning, rehearsing, and processing different behaviors requires patience and practice, and those who do this difficult work generally experience improvement across many facets of life.

Finally: “the wisdom to know the difference.” In considering this phrase, it seems to me that wisdom lies in finding the balance between confidence and humility. We can change how we look at situations. We can change how we react to others. We can change how we respond to our own emotions. And we can join with others to work toward change in community and society. At the same time, none of us is powerful enough to truly change someone else. I hope that each of us continues to work on maintaining balance and wisdom. 

Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist