In recent weeks I have had a number of conversations, both in and out of therapy sessions, highlighting just how hard it can be to receive and give support. Whether it’s feeling shut down when expressing difficult feelings or feeling helpless in the face of another’s difficult feelings, effective and satisfying communication often takes work. 

Even in our closest relationships, or maybe especially in our closest relationships, giving and receiving support is not as natural as we would hope. There are many possible reasons for this, but it may be helpful to highlight one of the more common sources. In close relationships emotions can be contagious. There is fascinating data from neuroscience research demonstrating that people almost literally feel the feelings of significant others. Seeing someone you love in pain is painful. Being close to another’s anxiety causes anxiety. Hearing about the frustrations of someone you care about can be very frustrating. And for many people, the instinct when experiencing uncomfortable is emotions is to want to make it stop.

Responses that come from a genuine place of care and concern, amplified by wanting the hard feelings to go away, can take different forms. One of the most common is giving advice or otherwise trying to solve the problem. Unfortunately, this often feels unsatisfying. The person seeking support is likely to have tried problem-solving strategies already, and they may feel that the advice doesn’t take their own ideas and initiatives into account (most of us don’t call tech support until we’ve already tried rebooting the computer). Or they may feel that jumping to solutions doesn’t give them time and space to have their own feelings. But sometimes the person really wants advice, and even in the closest relationships it’s very hard to know which response is needed. The best way to handle this? Ask. A simple question like “do you want me to work on solving the problem, or do you just want me to listen?” can go very far in helping the person feel supported.

Another common response when someone we care about is feeling bad is to try to make them feel better. Variations on the theme of “cheer up” are rarely experienced as supportive. Reminding them of all the good things they have sometimes carries a subtext of “stop being ungrateful,” handing someone a tissue sometimes carries a message of “ok, clean up now, that’s enough,” and even saying “you’ll feel better soon” can make the person feel pressure to feel better now.

So now that I’ve laid out all the problems, what are we to do? In significant relationships, we really do want to be supportive and helpful. With that in mind, here are some approaches to try.  First, validate the feelings and express care. Something like, “I’m so sorry you’re upset. I care about you and I’m here for you.” Second, as stated above, ask the person what they need. “Do you want advice or do you just want to talk, or do you want help taking your mind off the situation?” Let them lead. Use body language and nonverbal communication to show that you’re listening and trying to understand their perspective and feelings. Make eye contact, and depending on the person and the relationship, offer a hug or other supportive contact. And again, express care, such as, “I want to be supportive. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”  Depending on your perspective, backing away from “fixing things” may not feel as though you are being helpful. But it’s often the solution that is most needed.

Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist