It is a new school year! Hopefully the transition back to school has gone smoothly for your family. One concern that is often raised by parents at this time of year involves what to do when their child does not seem to be adjusting well socially. It can be confusing and sometimes alarming for parents when their child is not making friends easily. Here are a few things to think about related to this issue.

Build Relationship Skills Within Your Family. If you notice that your child is not faring well socially, take a look at how family members are interacting inside the home, and consider ways to improve these interactions as needed. Some key social skills that can be addressed at home include interest in others, empathy, and cooperation. Make it a habit to check in with family members about their day, and ask about what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Expressing interest in another person is a foundational social skill that can pave the way for more
positive interactions. Modeling is also a great way to help kids develop empathy. When feelings are shared, use active language to communicate understanding, to express caring and validation, and to offer support. There are numerous ways to help build cooperation skills at home, from sharing chores and household responsibilities, to playing games, to carrying out projects. Make sure everyone has a role, and emphasize the value of sharing and taking turns.

Consider Organized and Supervised Activities. Social interactions can be easier if they are organized around a common interest or activity. If you haven’t done so already, consider signing your child up for a sport or activity that would involve interactions with peers (and hopefully that he or she will be at least somewhat interested in). You can also help your child brainstorm about peers he or she would like to get to know better, and then help him or her take steps to initiate a
plan to get together. Sometimes it could help for the families to get together for a meal or other planned activity. That strategy can allow children to get to know each other better, while taking some of the pressure off. If you decide to plan a playdate for your child, help him or her to think of some fun, cooperative activities ahead of time, which can smooth the way for a successful experience. However, during the actual playdate, it probably makes sense to back off and see
how things go (stepping in only if there is zero interaction occurring – or a conflict occurs that escalates beyond what is typical or safe).

Wait and See. Finally, it might also help to remember that not everyone’s social needs are the same. Some kids are happy just hanging out with family members or with a neighbor down the street. Some kids need more down time than others, and are okay spending afternoons playing alone or reading. Keep lines of communication open, talk with your child regularly about their day, about their interactions, and about how he or she is feeling. If your child is generally
content, even though they are not getting invited on many playdates, it is also okay to just wait and see what happens with friendships over the course of the school year. For more information on supporting friendships at different ages, you can also check out this advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Kathleen McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist