I frequently use an excellent social-emotional curriculum for kids called Unstuck & On Target (Lynn Cannon, Lauren Kenworthy, et al).  It’s particularly useful with children and tweens who struggle with emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility, but its concepts can be useful to all parents when their kids–or they themselves–have a big reaction to an unexpected event.

One of the many useful lessons in Unstuck asks the participant to rate the scale of a problem–is it a BIG DEAL, a Medium Deal, or a little deal?  Many times, kids and adults alike consider the problem they are facing to be a BIG DEAL.  And many times, it is.  There is no denying that the loss of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or a global crisis is a BIG DEAL.  Other problems, however, may not seem too serious to us, but they may feel catastrophic to our kids.  And in those cases, when we try to tell our kids that it’s “no big deal,” we are likely to encounter an even more intense reaction because now we’ve added insult to injury: it was bad enough that the problem arose in the first place, but now we’ve made it worse by telling our kids they’re wrong for thinking it’s a BIG DEAL.  Even if it seems like a petty concern to us, we need to accept and validate our kids’ feelings rather than minimizing the issue or berating the kids for overreacting.  We don’t have to agree with them, but we do need to show we understand and care.  “Wow, this really does feel like a big deal to you, doesn’t it?  I’m really sorry.”  Then, armed with a few tips and tricks from Unstuck, we may be able to help our kids ease the BIG DEAL down the rating scale to become a Medium Deal or even a little deal.  Here’s how:

• Give advance notice.  The sooner the better to tell our kids that something they’ve expected will not be occurring.  Last minute notice is more likely to cause big reactions.  Instead, whenever possible (and sometimes it isn’t), give your kids as much time as you can to process the change before it happens.  For instance, imagine you find out on Monday that your kids’ favorite babysitter is not available after all for Saturday night.  You’ve had to go down the list and have finally found a babysitter that your kids don’t know or don’t prefer.   Let them know as soon as you know so they have time to adjust to the change.
  
  
• Be clear about what will change and what will remain the same.  Having the facts about the new situation can help ease anxiety.  “So, it’s going to be Kayla instead of Madison babysitting you on Saturday night, but otherwise everything else is the same: pizza delivery from Gregorio’s, ice cream sandwiches in the freezer, and your favorite movie on the TV.  And Mom and I will still be back after you’re asleep.”
  
  
• Have a Plan B.  Having some backup options available and even announced at the time of planning can help kids respond more flexibly when Plan A goes pear-shaped.  For instance, if you don’t know for sure that you can get tickets for the movie on opening night, tell the kids you’re going to try, and if you can’t, then Plan B is the arcade.  Or if a plan falls through unexpectedly at the last minute, be ready to pivot and come up with an appealing alternative (or two).  
  
  
• Offer a choice.  When an unexpected situation arises, give the kids a couple of viable alternatives that you’re okay with, and let them choose.  We always feel more in control when we have choices.  For instance, if the waterpark has had to close unexpectedly: “We can come back tomorrow, or we can go to our neighborhood pool today.  Which would you prefer?”
  
  
• Compromise.  Unstuck & On Target points out that when we compromise, we get a little bit of what we want.  If we get stuck and refuse to compromise, we get nothing.  So, if conflict has arisen because one child expected to play soccer together outside, and the other expected to play together on video games inside, what compromise options might they identify?  Play each for 30 minutes?  Play a soccer video game (hey, at least it’s soccer!)?  Play remote control cars outside (hey, at least it’s electronic!)?  Play soccer today since it’s fine weather and set a date for another hangout soon to play video games?
  
  
• Model these skills and use these terms!  When you yourself run into something unexpected, show your kids how you can handle it by being flexible:  “I was so frustrated at the grocery store because I had my heart set on chocolate Stroopwafel cookies, but, unexpectedly, they didn’t have any!  Thankfully, I thought of a Plan B: Double Chocolate Oreos!”
  
  

Best wishes handling the BIG, Medium, and little deals that life has a way of throwing in our paths!

Sarah Ince, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker