As a parent of three myself, I know firsthand how easy it is to get sucked into the day-to-day management of a family. Before you know it, keeping up with children’s growing social calendars becomes a full-time responsibility (Wait, is it a soccer or volleyball night!?!?).  Then on top of the basic day-to-day, we can become consumed by making sure we’re giving our kids everything they need for their best start in life from extracurriculars for those college applications to tutors to make sure we pass math… We all just want what’s best for our kids, to make sure they’re prepared for their futures and, well, we have high hopes for those futures (great colleges, amazing friends, and independence…eventually). In all this “work” (and worrying) of parenting we’re often left with little time or energy for one of our most powerful tools – play! Yep, seriously.  Play.  And no, play isn’t just important for your toddlers and elementary-age kiddos either.  Play is important for the whole family from your cooing infant to your soon-to-graduate teenager. And believe it or not, there’s a mountain of evidence showing how important play is for us adults too! The benefits of play range from cognitive, language, social, and motor skill development in babies and toddlers to helping big kids develop confidence, curiosity, resilience, and overall emotional well-being! Academic performance is even linked to play. But, as parents, one of the best parts of play is that it helps build and maintain our relationship with our children. 

Even when we know that playing is vital to our children’s development and well-being, many of us feel stuck and overwhelmed (literally, where does play fit between carpooling, making dinner, and that 4 pm meeting?).  We may have been world champion peek-a-boo players, but now our cute, squishy infant is suddenly a strong-willed 7-year-old, whose imaginative play is hard to follow, and she keeps telling us we’re “not playing right.” Or we’ve graduated to teenagers who only want to play video games and talk to their friends.  These are common concerns that parents express – our kids change daily and keeping up with them can be tough!  The good news is, we don’t have to be experts at their play, we just have to be open to it and have 5 minutes a few times a week to spare.  

Play with younger children: For our younger children, try setting aside a set time a few times a week as “special time.”  Pull some toys into a separate space.  If you have multiple children, make sure that each gets their own special time.  The best toys for this are things like blocks, play food, trains/cars, toy animals, coloring/painting, and Play-Doh or other creative items (think things without set rules). Now, here comes the hard part – no questions and no directions.  Your child is now the conductor of playtime.  Our job as parents is to follow along to show our interest and enjoyment in their play and creativity.  Think of yourself as a sportscaster to your child’s play – “Ann is flying the airplane in the sky!  She is making it go so high!”  Praise your child for appropriate behaviors (e.g., “I love when you pass the toys gently!”), reflect back what they say to you (e.g., Child: “I made a car”, You: “You made a car!”), and imitate their appropriate play (if they are making dinosaurs roam the kitchen, you make dinosaurs roam the kitchen), and show enthusiasm.  And don’t worry if you don’t know what to do – they’ll tell you if you’re doing it wrong and that’s okay.  You’re giving your child a chance to practice navigating their world.

Play with tweens/teens: T-Rex’s and paintbrushes are great, but what about our tween/teen who likes “weird” stuff and only responds in unintelligible words or uh-huh?  Well, I’m not suggesting you break out the dinosaurs or pretend food, but teen play surprisingly shares a lot in common with young child play; providing tweens/teens opportunities for self-expression, creativity, role-play, and problem-solving (Think: Tik-Tok, Minecraft, team sports, Dungeons and Dragons, friendship bracelets, fashion, etc.). Don’t worry – playing and connecting or reconnecting with your teen is less about the actual activity and more about showing interest and enjoying their company.  

If this is not something you normally do, they are likely to think you’re the one being weird.  Stick with it.  It can help to schedule time together.  Start with shorter interactions like sitting with them to watch their favorite show, baking a treat together, or getting tea at their favorite place. Let your tween/teen choose what you’ll do and be willing to try activities where your teen is the expert and gets to teach you a new skill. While this can be uncomfortable as a parent, it’s a great confidence booster for your teen! Try to focus on enjoying your teen’s company and be an enthusiastic participant in what your child is doing. Remember – be open and accepting, hold back on offering corrections or advice, and don’t forget, this isn’t a teaching moment, it’s a connecting moment.  Most importantly, don’t give up.  It may take a little while but the more time you spend together, the more you will each relax into the routine and enjoy each other’s company. 

Whether you’re knee-deep in Legos or about to take a running leap into the world of TikTok, take a breath, relax, and focus on enjoying that super cool human you get to guide.  Go on – grab your best T-Rex and announce it’s “special time” or fire up the text messages and invite your teen to play. They’ll be glad you did, but I think you’ll be even more glad.

Happy Playing!

Jennifer P. Lail, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist