When children make poor behavior choices, I often hear parents say, “I thought he knew better.” Raising a morally responsible child is a main goal for many parents, and parents often experience anxiety or frustration when their child chooses a path that does not reflect the expected morals of the family. However, it is critical to consider the developmental stage of your child before assuming that their poor choice is a negative predictor of their future.
There are many theories on moral development and this blog will focus on one that is primarily based on Lawrence Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development. Specifically, Kohlberg developed a moral development theory that starts around preschool and ends in adulthood. By understanding which stage a child is in, it is hoped that parents and other adults interacting with the child can develop reasonable expectations for a child’s moral development and help guide the child toward the highest moral stage possible. Please refer to Dr. Thomas Lickona’s book, Raising Good Children (1994), for a more detailed explanation of the following stages:
Stage 0: Egocentric Reasoning – This stage starts around preschool age and ends around the age of 4 years. Children during this stage often see themselves as the center of the world and believe that their way is the right way. Their primary motivation to “be good” is to get rewards and avoid punishments.
Stage 1: Unquestioned Obedience – This stage usually takes place around kindergarten (age 5 years). Children at this stage often recognize the power differential between themselves and adults, so they believe that adults know what is right and that adults should be obeyed. Their primary motivation to “be good” is to stay out of trouble.
Stage 2: What’s In-It-For Me Fairness – This stage usually begins around the age of 5½ to 7 years of age. Children at this stage recognize the power of rewards and often expect a reward for making good choices because they expect fairness; therefore, their thought process may sound like, “I’ll feed the dog, if you give me an extra cookie.” Their primary motivation to make good choices is to get something out of the deal.
Stage 3: Interpersonal Conformity – This stage usually takes place during the middle-to-upper elementary grades and early-to-mid teens. These children become very aware of other’s perceptions of them, so their behavior is guided by what others’ want them to do rather than by what is truly “right.” Their primary motivation is to make good choices so others will think well of them because they think that, “if others like me, I can like me.” This is the prime time for peer pressure to be in full swing.
Stage 4: Responsibility to “The System” – This stage typically emerges during the high school years or later teenage years. Adolescents in this stage begin to recognize that there is a larger society and that it is not only important to please family and friends, but it is also important to take into account what is best for society as a whole. Their primary motivation is to be a “good citizen” and follow through with responsibilities necessary to help keep the overarching social system running smoothly.
Stage 5: Principled Conscience – This stage is the last stage and emerges in young adulthood. Unfortunately, only a minority of adults are expected to reach this stage of moral development. Individuals in this stage prioritize respect for individual human rights, which leads them to support systems that protect human rights. Their primary motivation is to make choices based on the principle of respect for all human beings and to show respect and dignity to everyone they encounter, not just family, friends, or neighbors.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist