As parents, we have no doubt observed our children (of all ages) experiencing big feelings. Big feelings are bound to happen, and big feelings are tough! I have been thinking about parent mindfulness a lot these days. The act of being mindful of ourselves as caregivers and being aware of what is going on in our bodies helps us be the calm, secure presence our kids need when big feelings come up for them. It is important to know what is going on in our own bodies and care for ourselves to meet the needs of our kids.

I have an almost 2-year-old son, and he is in a fun stage of exploring the world and figuring out who he is. He also is in a fiercely independent phase where he needs to do everything by himself and wants to do it his way, even if he is not fully able to do it on his own yet. It’s all part of the development process and as a mom, it is so wonderful to see his curiosity build and watch him grow into his own little person! With this age comes many little meltdowns- rightfully so, as young children typically want to do what they want to do, lack regulation skills, and can’t fully
communicate what they need. We had a big feelings moment at the playground this past weekend. While it was a perfect day to be playing outside, it was very hot, and he really wanted to go on the slide. Of course, the slide was directly in the sun, so it was far too hot for him to use. I had to set a firm but loving boundary, and I knew this one was not going to be easy to cope with since the slide is our favorite. I tried all the parenting techniques- validated his feelings, gave other choices, redirected to different activities, even attempted to have him sit with me down the slide so it wouldn’t be as hot, but it just was not enough for him. He started having a big feelings moment about this one- lots of crying, kicking, screaming, trying to run away unsafely. It felt like a lot to both of us. Since we were in public, more things were out of my control and I felt more pressure to calm him down. I started to feel my own anxiety rise, with thoughts such as, “all the other parents are looking at me,” “they think I am a bad mom,” and “why can’t I make him happy” running through my head. Feeling anxious and frustrated, I picked him up and decided we were just going to leave. Since I was not being mindful, I was unable to notice that I needed to calm down to help my son calm down. Eventually leaving did help, but oh boy, did it bring more big feelings and tears on the way to the car. I felt horrible. None of us were happy and we all were emotionally drained after what was supposed to be a fun family day. When we were in the car, I was able to sit for a few seconds, take a drink of water, and take a deep breath. Once I was calm, I looked at him and saw my little baby struggling to calm down and needing help from his mom. I gave him a big hug, and just let him cry until he was calm. It was at that moment I realized, once I calmed my own body down, I was able to help my son calm his body down. I was not focusing enough on my body in the moment. If I would have noticed IN THE MOMENT that my anxiety was getting higher, I could have taken some deep breaths, drank some water, reminded myself that this was going to be hard, but I got this, and then helped my son coregulate his body. If I could have done this, we probably would have eventually calmed down on the playground and been able to do something else at the park. I was not being mindful of my own body to help both myself AND my son regulate our bodies.

Our kids, all through life, look to us to be a calm, secure base for them. When we ourselves are panicking or anxious, our kids match those feelings. If we are calm, using our own regulation techniques, and modeling that for our kids, they will know we are a secure base to help them feel safe and, with our support and modeling, they eventually will learn how to calm themselves on their own. We will not get this right every time because no one is perfect, but repair is a wonderful way to show our kids that we are human as well. All this to say, helping our children regulate starts with us, the parents. Remember to fill your cup and care for yourself, so that you are better able to care for your kids. Be mindful and learn what helps you stay present and calm in the moment so that the entire family can handle big feelings as well as possible.

Michelle Molina, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker