The holidays are upon us! While this time of year can bring joy, it also can leave us feeling frustrated, exhausted, and pulled in too many directions at once. This makes it a perfect time to pause and consider the topic of healthy boundaries for ourselves. Although the term “boundaries” is widely used, it can be challenging to define what boundaries are, to understand what makes an appropriate boundary, and to determine how to set and maintain good boundaries.

First, what exactly is a boundary? A boundary is something that marks a limit; for example, a fence marks the boundary where one person’s property ends and another person’s begins. When it comes to our relationships, the term “boundaries” is understood to define the limits of appropriate behavior between people. Boundaries can involve our physical selves, our intellectual selves, our emotional selves, our material selves and/or our time. 

During family holiday gatherings, numerous situations can arise where physical boundaries are violated – the family member who stands too close, or insists on a hug regardless of whether the feeling is mutual. Intellectual boundaries can also be tested, including family members failing to respect others’ points of view on difficult topics. Emotional boundaries also can be fraught during the holiday season, when a given person’s feelings are dismissed, disregarded and/or belittled. And finally, the holiday season can take a toll when it comes to demands on our finances and our time.  

When trying to set boundaries, one question to start with involves your own goals and expectations. Once you determine your needs and know what you are comfortable with, the next step is to communicate that information to others. The goal here is to be clear and firm; you also need to be ready to accept that others may not be happy with the boundary that you have decided to set.

One example of setting a boundary might include declining anything that you don’t want to do: “I appreciate being invited, but I can’t participate this time” or “I’m sorry, I just have too much on my plate right now to take that on.” If you can’t come up with a firm response on the spot, it is also okay to buy yourself some time: “I need to think about that and get back to you” is always an option. Setting boundaries around our feelings can be trickier, but almost always involves telling someone what upsets us and asking for what we need: “I feel ____ when ____, and what I need is ____.” An example might be: “I feel frustrated when you leave all of the meal planning to me, and what I need is for you to do the grocery shopping this week.”  If the situation involves discomfort over how someone is talking to you or treating you, there are a range of possible ways to set boundaries: “I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now” or “I would prefer to discuss this when we can both talk more calmly.”   

Healthy boundaries can help prevent burnout, reduce feelings of resentment, and create a sense of balance in our day-to-day lives – during the holidays as well as during the rest of the year. 

Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist