What’s Behind the Anger?

Anger, though it may feel intense and hard to handle in the moment, is a normal human emotion.  It signals to us that something is not right, and we need to pay attention to it. The sooner we figure out what has provoked our anger, the better, because then we can avoid acting on the anger in ways that will make things worse for ourselves and those around us.  When we truly examine our anger, we may discover that it has actually erupted as a secondary emotion, secondary to another feeling that is hidden. In a split second, we have taken the primary emotion and masked it with anger.  But why?

Many of the emotions that we tend to mask as anger share a common feature: they are emotions of vulnerability.  It is more acceptable to our sense of self-worth to get mad than it is to acknowledge what feels like weakness, our humanness, our fragility.

Let me give you an example.  Imagine that one partner in a romantic relationship is ending things with the other partner.  The first partner, “Jordan,” says they no longer wish to be involved with the second partner, “Lee.”  Upon hearing this, Lee flies into a blind rage, barraging Jordan with a verbal storm of insults and put-downs.  But is Lee really angry with Jordan, or is there something else going on? It’s likely that Lee’s primary emotion, rather than anger, is actually hurt.  To be rejected by a romantic partner is emotionally painful–no two ways about it.  But instead of responding to Jordan with an open acknowledgement of that hurt–”Wow, that really hurts me”– Lee tries to appear strong, masking the hurt with anger and launching a counterattack to even the score.

Or consider the case of a young baseball player who strikes out at bat.  He responds by throwing down his bat and his helmet in anger and storming off home plate shouting obscenities (the umpire then ejects him from the game).  Is it really anger that is activating our slugger? Probably not.  Instead, it’s likely a potent cocktail of the emotions of vulnerability: frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, and self-doubt, to name a few.

Or how about the mother whose young child has wandered off in the neighborhood?  When she finally finds the tyke, is her five-minute yelling rant an accurate depiction of her feelings?  No. What she was really feeling was terror for her child’s well-being.  And maybe some guilt mixed in, perceiving herself as negligent for not noticing that the child was wandering off.  

Still other emotions that commonly hide behind anger include shame, a sense of injustice, overwhelm, and feelings of ineffectiveness or failure. So, what’s the big deal if we mask some of our emotions with anger?  Who cares?  Well, our
emotional well-being cares.  When we disenfranchise some of our emotions, we aren’t letting them be heard–even by ourselves.  They fester.  When we don’t bring the true feelings to light, we fail to create an opportunity for them to be addressed and, ultimately, released.  Think about it. Have you been nurturing anger about a situation from childhood or young adulthood throughout your adult life?  Has the feeling ever gotten resolved?  If not, take a hard look and see if the anger has been masking another emotion for all these years, an emotion that has been yearning to come out for decades.  

And if you don’t choose to explore what might be hiding behind your anger for your own well-being, do it for those you love.  The people in our lives don’t deserve to be raged at when what’s actually going on is that we are feeling emotionally wounded, often through no fault of theirs.  This sometimes happens when our children catch us in a mistake or an inconsistency.  Instead of replying, “Ah, yes, you’re right, thank you for setting me straight,” do we say something quite different?  Something more like “Don’t give me attitude!” or “Because I said so!”?

So, for ourselves and for those we love, let’s take a moment to peel back the mask of anger and look behind it.  It may feel scary to consider doing this.  We may fear that there’s an iceberg of unresolved feelings lurking just below the surface of our awareness.  It seems easier to just keep feeling angry–at least we know what that feels like.  But it’s worth going out on a limb for this
one.  Let the true feelings show themselves.  It brings relief.  And if it feels too scary to try to unmask the anger on your own, seek the help of a trusted mental health professional.

Sarah Ince, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker