Empty promises can be a source of anxiety, frustration, and resentment within all relationships, not just parent-child relationships. Empty promises can be overlooked because in the moment the promiser likely intends to follow through with their promise, but does not realize the negative effect it has on the promisee when they do not do what they said they were going to do. We often place more value on our intentions versus our actual behaviors, but place more value on others’ behaviors than their intentions.
As a parent, we may intend to spend undivided, quality time with our children nightly, but due to the circumstances of the day the 10 minutes of UNO or 15 minutes of talking about Minecraft end up getting placed on the back burner until it is too late. As a partner, we may intend to book a sitter for a long overdue date night, but keep putting it off to focus on more immediate circumstances; or we may intend to be on Social Media for only 10 minutes, but end up losing track of time after getting sucked into the interacting with others online, while our partner sits in silence only a few feet away. As a friend, we may intend to call or plan a time to meet up for lunch, but keep putting it off. As a child, we may intend to do all of our homework after dance, but instead only complete half because we are too tired and should have used the free time before dance to work on homework.
While our intentions may be genuine and heartfelt, our actions are what impact others and determine the type of experiences we share, or perhaps, more appropriately stated don’t share with others. In this moment, I encourage you to think about the past few weeks and consider times when your actions did not match your words or your intentions. Of course, there are times when life happens and our ability to truly do what we said we were going to do is hampered; however, when these moments are rare exceptions it is easier for those close to us to recognize that our intention was pure, but circumstances arose that prevented us from following through. In contrast, when we regularly say one thing, but act in ways that are inconsistent with our words those closest to us may question our honesty, priorities, and love. More importantly, those closest to us may be left feeling confused, hurt, and resentful.
Individuals who are repeatedly disappointed by the broken promises of a loved one may first perceive that their loved one is self-focused. However, it is often the case that people who struggle with matching their actions with their words are not doing so intentionally or maliciously, but instead get caught up in the moment and make statements aimed at diffusing potential conflict or making the other person happy.
The empty promise maker is focused on the here and now and is trying to soothe the current situation; whereas, those who religiously keep their promises are focused on the integrity of their word. Therefore, if you find yourself in a situation where you or a loved one are talking the talk, but not walking the walk, make sure to set aside time to problem-solve with the other person when emotions are low and your rational minds are intact. Writing back and forth may also prove beneficial in such situations as each party has time to absorb, evaluate, and respond to information versus reacting impulsively to the tone in the room. Calm, open, honest communication is always preferred and self-awareness is key in evaluating the consistency among your words, intentions, and actions.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist