The cell phone commercial that utilizes the words, “Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?”
may resonate with parents in addition to cell phone users. How many of us parents wonder if,
in fact, our children hear us when we make a request or give a directive because there is no
response on the other end? When this happens we tend to repeat ourselves over and over and
over again, but to no avail. We end up frustrated while our children learn to be non-compliant,
because when we repeat ourselves, we are, in effect, teaching our children not to listen to us the
first time. They know they don’t have to get it the first time, since the request will be repeated
many times over. So, how can we teach our children to listen the first time, take responsibility
for their choices, and decrease our frustration? The answer lies in how we give the directive in
the first place.
The first thing to remember is that, as parents, we cannot control our children’s behavioral
choices. Many of us feel responsible for our children’s choices, which can be gauged by how
emotional we get over their refusal to comply with our requests. When we repeat ourselves, we
are holding the responsibility for the task we are asking our child to complete. “Johnny, do your
homework….. Johnny, I said do your homework…. JOHNNY, TURN OFF THE TV AND GO
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!!!” Johnny is not feeling a sense of responsibility for his
homework completion, his parent is feeling responsible. As long as his parent feels this sense of
responsibility, Johnny will not feel it himself. What we can control as parents are the limits we
set, the consequences we specify, and following through in a calm and consistent manner. When
we set the parameters in this way, we provide an opportunity for our children to make their own
behavioral choices, based on the possible consequences for their choices, and we encourage a
sense of ownership for these choices.
This creates a sense of self-responsibility. If, for example
Johnny’s mother says, “Johnny, you need to start working on your homework by 5:00 P.M.; if
you choose not to start by 5:00, for every minute you delay you will lose 2 minutes of media
time tonight.”, Johnny learns that his behavior has consequences, and his mother can feel
comfortable in knowing she is setting appropriate parameters. If Johnny chooses not to start his
homework until 5:15, and she follows through in a calm manner by taking away 30 minutes of
his media time, she is taking charge of what she can as a parent, setting a limit, setting
appropriate consequences, and following through in a calm, consistent manner. If Johnny’s
mother remains consistent, he learns to make an informed choice about when to start his
homework, and this contributes to a developing sense of self-efficacy. Consistency is important
even in the face of our children’s resistance, and resist they will until they understand that
parents always mean what they say.
There are four steps to giving a directive. First, we need to be specific with our request. It is
not enough to say “Clean your room”, because what does “clean” mean? We have to specify
exactly what the child has to do to merit a “clean room”. For example, saying, “your clothes
need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there has to be a clear path to
walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made for your room to be considered clean”, leaves
nothing to the imagination and makes an evaluation of a clean room easy. Second, we need to
specify a time frame. We want to let our child know when his or her room should be cleaned
by. Next, we have to specify what happens if the child completes the request and what happens
if he or she does not. Putting this all together, giving a directive to clean a room would look like
this: “Johnny, your clothes need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there
has to be a clear path to walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made by 4:00 P.M. in order
for you to earn computer time tonight”. The final step in giving a directive is to follow through
with the stated consequence in a calm and consistent manner.
It is important for us as parents to learn that we cannot make our children’s choices, but can set
clear limits, can clarify consequences for the choices our children make, and can follow through
calmly and consistently. When we practice these parenting skills, not only do we encourage
compliance, but we also contribute to our children’s sense of self-efficacy. Utilizing these
strategies should reduce the need for the phrase, “Can you hear me now?” when we are giving
our children directives.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist