Have you ever caught yourself saying something to your child that reminded you of something your own parent said to you when you were a child? Depending upon your relationship with your parent(s) this realization can result in a variety of emotional responses ranging from comfort to dismay. Examining your childhood and your relationship with one or both of your parents can be a valuable exercise that helps you better understand how your background impacts your own parenting style.
For many, parenting is based upon their own upbringing, which can include both positive and negative experiences. Reminiscing about what you enjoyed and disliked about your parents’ approach to you at different stages in your childhood can help guide you as you attempt to connect with your own child. For example, if you fondly remember getting notes from your mother in your lunchbox then you might consider dropping a few kind notes in your own children’s lunchboxes. Additionally, there may be times you can remember reacting in a particular way based upon how your parent(s) responded to a poor choice you made. Considering whether your reaction was positive or negative can help guide your own approach with your children. For example, if you recall shutting down or exploding after a specific interaction as a child, it may be helpful to tweak your approach when confronting your child about a poor choice. Also, if yelling was commonplace in your home and you find yourself resorting to yelling now, it may be helpful to consider alternatives to yelling, such as using a firm, yet calm voice to express your disappointment in your child’s choice.
Reminiscing about your childhood can also help you empathize with your children at different stages. As adults we often forget just how important the lunch table is when you are 12 years old or how stressful a spelling test can be when you are 7 years old. Trying to remember how you would have responded to various scenarios at different ages can help also keep your expectations for your child in check, especially if you have a verbally gifted child as it is easy to overestimate the developmental level of such children. While reminiscing to increase empathy toward your child is recommended, it is also just as important to recognize that your child is an individual, and therefore, not you. While you may have soared through mathematics with straight A’s, they may find mathematics to be more challenging or while you loved sports as a teen, they may love drama. Differences in parent-child temperament are also imperative to consider as it is often recommended to match your parenting style to your child’s temperament.
Another reason to consider the impact of your childhood on your approach to parenting is to better understand what may trigger strong emotional responses within you. Many people have particular areas in which they are trying not to repeat the mistakes they perceive their own parents made; however, there can be times when one is so determined not to make the same mistake that one fails to realize that their attempts to prevent are actually creating difficulties. For example, an individual who grew up in an overly restrictive home may want to provide their own children with a sense of freedom, yet their permissive parenting may actually be contributing to difficulties within the home.
Finally, knowing that when under stress people are more likely to resort to old patterns can help explain why you find yourself saying the phrases your own parent said to you which you swore you would never say. For instance, it can be all too easy for the “because I said so’s” and yelling to commence at eleven at night when your child refuses to go to bed. The good news is once you are more aware of some of the underlying aspects of your parenting style you can choose to take control and respond differently if you find there are areas you would like to improve upon. The specifics of how you respond differently will depend upon your unique situation and family; however, responding with validation, love, and appropriate expectations is a good place to start.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist