While many people use the terms guilt and shame interchangeably, they are in fact, different constructs with very different psychological correlates and outcomes. Guilt is typically other-focused, and revolves around behaviors, whereas shame is self-focused and is more about character. Guilt is the feeling that results when you tell yourself that you have done something wrong, and often arises when we realize that others have been hurt because of our actions. Shame reflects how we feel about ourselves; it involves more global perceptions that we are bad or wrong or damaged. The difference is often described as: “I did something bad” (guilt) vs. “I am bad” (shame).
Guilt – although uncomfortable – is often a beneficial emotional experience, whereas shame is not. Our ability to recognize that our own actions may have hurt someone, to empathize with that person’s pain, and to feel remorse for having caused it are all signs of emotional health. In fact, research suggests that people who are prone to feeling guilty are also more empathic. Thus, a key difference between guilt and shame is that guilt can be productive in that it can motivate you to repair a harm done to someone else. Shame, on the other hand, is not productive and does not motivate positive change. Instead, shame tends to make people feel unworthy and triggers them to hide, deny or blame others. Shame can lead to disconnection from others, and does nothing to promote health or positive relationships.
Despite the fact that guilt can be a beneficial emotion, it is not necessarily always indicative of a need to change our behavior. One way to determine whether or not your guilt is misplaced is to evaluate whether you actually did anything hurtful or inappropriate. Guilt about something you actually did, that clearly caused harm to someone else (especially if the harm was intentional), is usually indicative of the need for change. In this case, the best way to address your guilt is to find ways to right whatever wrong was caused by your behavior, and to try to avoid repeating the same behavior again in the future.
However, many of the situations we feel guilty about are not this clear cut. We often feel misplaced guilt, and end up feeling badly about behavior that feels like it was wrong, even if it wasn’t. If you are experiencing guilty feelings, and you are not sure whether or not they are warranted, try asking yourself a few questions. 1. Did this behavior go against my own personal values? 2. Did I have good reasons for doing what I did? 3. Would there have been harm to myself or others who are important to me if I did something different?
Sometimes we have done something to hurt or upset another person, but we may still make the choice to let go of guilt because our behavior was consistent with our values, occurred because of legitimate circumstances, and/or was protective of ourselves or someone else. If you have trouble taking perspective on your own behavior when asking yourself these questions, it can help to imagine that a close friend was in the same situation, and consider how you might feel if you were evaluating his or her behavior instead of your own.
When trying to let go of guilt that you have decided is unhealthy or misplaced, there are a range of strategies that can be helpful. Sometimes simply engaging in some positive self-talk can relieve these painful feelings: remind yourself that there were reasons for your behavior, and that sometimes it is necessary to trade off your priorities, even if it makes others unhappy. Others find it helpful to write down what they are feeling guilty about. Still others take that a step further, and want to do something with the paper after they have written about their feelings (e.g. shred it, crumble it up). Imagery exercises can also be helpful to relieve unwanted feelings, including guilt – imagine that the guilty feelings are weights that you are choosing to put down, or leaves floating away down a stream.
If you find yourself consistently struggling with unhealthy guilt, or if you suspect that what you are actually feeling is shame, it might be useful to consult with a mental health professional for additional support and guidance.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist