Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, especially if managed constructively. Anger, however, is complicated and can be confusing, especially for children. Most of the time people think of anger behaviorally and equate it with violence, aggression, hurt, etc. rather than thinking of it as a feeling. While people have behavioral responses to anger it is important to keep in mind that it is not a behavior; anger is an emotion! It is actually one of the strongest emotions humans experience. It often involves physiological responses such as fast heartbeat, clenching/tightening of hands/fists, loud pitch voice, flushed face and sweating.
So, how do we help our children manage anger? It all begins with early recognition of the emotion. When we help our children recognize and label anger as an emotion or feeling (rather than acting it out), then they can began to make better choices and responses to this feeling. Parents are the most important influence in child’s life. Our children listen, watch, and often imitate what we do.
Therefore, as parents, it is important that we teach children about various feelings both positive and negative and encourage them to label the various emotions as they experience them. We can serve as excellent models of identifying and naming emotions such as anger. There are endless opportunities to do so throughout the day. For example, driving your child to school you may get “angry” and could openly verbalize this emotion. For example, “I am angry that there is traffic and we are going to be late.” Similarly, at home when a child is not listening a parent can say “I am feeling angry because you are not following my directions.” There are several other simple things to do with your child to help him or her increase awareness and recognition of anger. These questions below should be covered and discussed with children early on and not for the first time when they are actually in the state of anger. These include the following:
What makes you angry? Often children get angry because they cannot get something they want. Other times, a friend or other person may have done something to make them angry. Ask your child to talk about what situations or things make him or her angry.
How does anger look? Have your child draw a picture of himself or herself when angry and discuss how the mouth, eyes and other features of the face look.
How does anger feel? Help your child identify his or her physical signs of anger which can also serve as “signals” that he or she may be getting angry.
What other feelings do you experience when angry? Explore with your child what other feelings he or she may be experiencing that are either masked by or underlie the anger they express. Since anger is often a defense against other feelings, children are prone to dismissing or not recognizing what ultimately led to the anger to begin with. Common feelings that anger masks include frustration, fear, disappointment, hurt, worry, embarrassment, or any number of “uncomfortable” emotions.
What can you do when you get angry to get the feeling out in a healthy and safe way?
Help your child identify and consider healthy things to do when angry to calm down including but not limited to the following: take several deep relaxing breaths, draw a picture of what made you angry, talk about what is bothering you, hit a pillow or punching bag if necessary, visualize or think about something calming or pleasant, get or give a hug, listen to music, write in a journal, squeeze a stress ball, play a game or engage in an activity such as exercise, jump up and down several times or play ball.
Lastly, praise your child for discussing anger with you and use a reinforcer that works for your child whenever he or she labels feelings of anger and chooses healthy versus unhealthy responding. Positive reinforcement of such instances will help increase the occurrence of healthier choices in future episodes of anger.
Maria Kanakos, Psy.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist