I have a good rule of thumb that keeps positive energy in balance in the world of parenting. It’s as much a challenge in the world of parenting as learning the rules of grammar once was, but also just as rewarding. The I before E rule is simple: Inquire before Evaluating. In other words, take the time to get information about what’s going on with your child before you evaluate the situation. When your child tells you that the teacher called him out today because he was clowning around in class, before you evaluate and give a thumbs down on getting called out, take the time to ask about what was going on. You might find out that your middle schooler is experimenting with power and finds humor from his/her friends irresistible.
Asking the right questions can help you to have a conversation that can deepen your understanding of the struggle that is tugging away during this developmental period. Or, before you evaluate your teen’s sleeping in until noon on the weekend, “inquire” first if there is anything getting in the way of going to sleep or sleeping through the night. Answers might help you to uncover a mental health issue, such as depression, that can manifest itself in low energy, fatigue, and insomnia. And here’s a perk: Being asked questions before getting feedback can help your child to feel visible and empowered, important experiences when you live in a world where you have to swallow so much feedback and accountability from adults. Your questions might even help your child to find answers that clarify what is going on for him or her. In fact, well-formulated question can help a child to think more deeply about the reasons behind what they’re doing.
In the end, this will probably help to create behavior change that is more enduring than blind compliance with your instructions. The third rule is also important– make sure the assessment and evaluation doesn’t come after Criticism. Anxiety often drives a spirit of correction, which can sometimes turn into criticism. Often, well-intentioned desires for our children to be successful slide into criticisms when expectations aren’t met. If a child hears the criticism, “Your room is never clean,” you’ve immediately weakened the power of the Inquiring (“What is your motivation for not keeping your room clean?”) and Evaluating (“It seems important to make picking up your room part of your daily routine”).
Following these grammar rules in parenting can be valuable slowing down the process of addressing an issue so that you can use a more understanding tone and feel more empathy. And for many of the issues that we are anxious to “fix” for our child, if we checked ourselves honestly, we can look back to a time when we thought, felt, or behaved the same way. Make yourself accountable for remaining positive in the process of teaching/evaluating by asking yourself if you’ve taken the time inquire just enough to help your child have a voice. And when you are navigating through a sea of instructions, being heard can feel good.
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist