Summer break is almost here and that means a less intense morning and evening schedule and more time with siblings. Unfortunately, that can also mean more sibling conflict. Here are a few options for reducing teasing to help your summer go more smoothly*: Give an immediate time-out for both parties:
To the Child Claiming to be Teased
– Ask child being teased to consider how he played a role in provoking anything
– Help the child who is teased to see how s/he might have over-reacted to innocent comment
– Help child to resist internalizing the insult; clarify that comments meant to upset have little truth
– If child did nothing to provoke, ask what s/he can do to help offending sibling to back-off
To the Accused Child
– Remind offending sibling that “teasing is against family rules”
– Don’t fall for the “but”s (but she started it)
– Don’t fall for “you always take up for _____” Clarify your intention to be fair without guilt
– Don’t fall for the “all I said was…”. However innocent the comment was intended, it hurt
– Emphasize that teasing doesn’t solve anything and that it makes frustration worse
– Talk about the underlying family values (our home is meant to be a safe place, compassion)
– Have offender state why teasing is wrong in his/her own words
– Have the accused child to learn to accept responsibility by apologizing
– Ask the accused child to commit to not teasing again
– Identify frustration or conflict that triggered teasing
– listen empathetically, then problem solve
– Reinforce wise problem solving options (switch to a different activity when things getting tense)
– Ask the offending sibling to think of ways that the hurt sibling can shrug off teasing
To the Parent
The key to a rewarding relationship with someone else, whether it be friend, sibling, or life-partner, is empathy. No matter how different two persons’ interests, perspectives, or personalities, empathy for another person is not only possible, but also critical for increasing bonding. Personal attacks and insensitivity are mistakes in relationships that are inevitable. However, once hurt feelings arise from hurtful comments, empathy must be present to put the relationship back together. Simply put, empathy is relationship glue. Be sure to show it and encourage it when tackling teasing. Empathizing means that you understand something at a deep level. Some kids seem to be empathetic by nature and others have great difficulty understanding another person’s feelings. By highlighting the importance of tender emotions for both the accused and victim of teasing, you are clarifying feelings, which makes it easier to give empathy.
*Reference: Sonn, L. (2006). The Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising Siblings. F + W Publications: Avon, MA.
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist