We receive constant feedback from the world around us. For children and teenagers, the messages they receive about themselves from peers, teachers, coaches, siblings, and parents play a very powerful role in shaping their sense of self.
Children and teens who have behavioral, emotional, or social difficulties, such as those associated with ADHD, anxiety, depression, or Asperger’s, are often the recipients of frequent negative feedback, especially at school. The shy, anxious, or self-conscious child may have a very unrewarding social life, leading him or her to feel more and more certain that no one likes him. The child who cannot focus her attention in class and cannot keep up with homework demands, falling behind academically, may develop a strong belief that she is not as smart as other kids. The impulsive child may get frequent messages from those around him that he is annoying others or misbehaving on purpose, leading him to believe that he is the “bad kid.”
Childhood and adolescence are formative years for identity development, and the views that are reflected back to children and teens about what kind of person they are help to shape their identities. Furthermore, individuals tend to behave in ways consistent with what they believe about themselves. Children who believe that they are inherently good, loved, and worthwhile, will put forth more effort to behave appropriately, perform the best they can in school, and address their areas of struggle. Children who view themselves as bad, deficient, or hopeless are less motivated to try because it seems pointless to them.
Because of their vulnerable sense of self, it is vitally important that children and teens have people in their lives who accept them unconditionally and places where they are free to just be themselves. This is an important role of the home environment. Even for kids and teens who are struggling behaviorally, academically, and emotionally, it is important that the majority of their time at home not be dominated by feedback associated with not doing well enough. Here are some tips for parents to keep in mind:
• Stay away from judgment language that associates their overall identity with behavioral choices. Instead of asking “Were you good today?” ask “Did you make good choices today?” Instead of asking if they had a bad day or good day, ask “How was your day?” Avoid telling your child that he or she is “bad” when he or she misbehaves.
• Children should get far more praise than critiques, and this is key to shaping positive behavior. Sometimes this is difficult, especially with children whose behavior is challenging.
• Look for positives to reinforce. This can be as simple as saying “Thank you” when your child does what you ask the first time.
• When you have to give critiques or implement discipline, be very specific about which behavior you want your child to change.
• Show your child that you value what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree with their opinions, spend time listening to them discuss topics that are important or interesting to them.
• Don’t withhold affection because of poor behavior. It is important that your child receive the message that you always love her, no matter what.
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
FamilyFirst Psychological Services