As parents, most of us have been witness to our children “melting down.” Whether your child is a toddler, a preschooler, school age, or even an adolescent, there are times when your normally relatively reasonable offspring seems to become someone else all together. Often this happens when children are tired and/or hungry, though sometimes these incidents seem to come from nowhere. But no matter what the context, one common characteristic that unites these episodes is that our logical responses not only don’t help, but they seem to make things worse:
Emotional Child: “I don’t WANT to wear those pants” + Logical Parent: “But you liked them just fine last week” = Even More Emotional Child: “I HATE those pants”
Emotional Child: “I don’t have enough TIME to play outside” + Logical Parent: “But if you quickly finish your homework you still have 20 minutes before dinner” = Even More Emotional Child: “I NEVER get to play anymore”
When you find that your logical responses are pushing your child further past the “point of no return,” try these strategies instead:
1. Assume that your child has his/her own valid reasons for his/her reactions, even if they aren’t obvious to you, or don’t seem particularly important from your perspective.
2. Take a deep breath and adopt a relaxed posture; soften your tone, lower your voice, and slow down your speech.
3. Get down on your child’s eye level (or below), and make eye contact with him or her.
4. Find a way to re-state what your child is saying: “Something about those pants is bothering you” or “You are upset because you want to play right now”
5. Respond to the feelings that are being expressed: “You are frustrated” or “You are upset”
6. Ask questions (if the child seems calm enough to answer): “Is there something about the pants that is bothering you?” or “What is it that you wanted to do outside?”
7. Offer comfort and support: “It sounds like you are having a really hard day”
8. Offer help (if your child seems receptive): “How can I help you solve this problem?”
While no strategy is foolproof, providing a child who is upset with a chance to express his/her feelings and explore what is bothering them can go a long way towards avoiding a meltdown. And even better, consistently adopting this approach when interacting with your child can build his/her capacity to better regulate his/her own emotions, thus leading to fewer and less intense meltdowns in the future. While utilizing these strategies does take some extra time (and definitely some extra patience), in the end, everyone will benefit.
For more reading on this topic: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish; The Whole Brain Child by Siegel & Bryson; Parenting a Child who Has Intense Emotions by Harvey & Penzo.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist