As both a mom and a clinical psychologist, I am often approached by parents who are concerned about their child’s academic progress, emotional health, or pattern of behaviors. Parents often have some intuition that something isn’t right, but they don’t know how concerned to be, and whether or not to seek professional guidance. Here are three questions to consider when trying to determine the relative seriousness of whatever is going on with your child:
1. How atypical are the behaviors that you are seeing?
Sometimes this is a good question to ask, but a hard one to answer. The degree to which a particular behavior is typical vs. atypical largely depends on what the “norms” are for a given age range. These norms are determined by the course of typical child development, and take into account issues such as severity and frequency. Think about other children you know that are your child’s age – are they exhibiting the same behaviors, to more or less the same extent? Consult other parents, and find out what their experiences are. Check with your pediatrician and/or your child’s teacher. Share your concerns and get some input as to whether what you are observing is within normal limits for your child’s age.
2. How maladaptive are the behaviors that you are concerned about?
Quite often a behavior can be atypical (not particularly common among same age kids), but not really maladaptive. To think about how maladaptive a behavior is, you need to consider how much it is getting in your child’s way. Can your child engage in his or her typical activities? Is the behavior you are concerned about interfering with his/her ability to make or keep friends? Is it causing trouble with your child’s ability to participate fully in school?
3. Finally, how much distress is being generated by the behaviors in question?
Is there more frequent parent-child conflict as a result of the behavior? Or more parent-parent conflict? Are you unduly upset? Is your child unduly upset? Are siblings being disturbed on a routine basis?
To think about how this process works, consider a fictional example. The character of Linus in the cartoon the Peanuts carries around a blanket with him everywhere. This behavior seems to be atypical, since none of the other characters do it. You can imagine Linus’ mother being somewhat concerned and trying to figure out if she should “do something.” However, despite sometimes getting teased by his sister, Linus doesn’t appear to suffer from any ill effects from this behavior. He has friends and goes about all of the same activities that they do. Also, Linus himself is clearly not distressed by his attachment to his blanket. So, by the criteria outlined here, Linus’ habit of carrying his blanket does not appear to be a “problem.”
Of course real life examples are not always so easy to sort out. If you are concerned about a behavior that your child is exhibiting, and aren’t sure how to answer the three questions outlined here, consider scheduling a consultation with your pediatrician and/or a mental health provider.
Kathleen McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist