Ever feel like somebody’s always watching you? If you have children, then I’m assuming the answer is YES! I have heard several stories about parents talking candidly with their spouse only to later hear their child repeat the one phrase from that conversation that should never be repeated. Kids are like little sponges and they seem to absorb everything whether you want them to take it in or not. For those with older children, it might even surprise you to know that your 15-year-old recluse who stays shut up in their room hears and sees more than you realize when it relates to family life. Fortunately and unfortunately, this means that as a parent you are a model, maybe even a supermodel in their eyes.
In most instances, being a model for your children is a no-brainer and most parents readily accept this challenge; however, there are times when parents can sometimes forget that they are models and that their own attitudes and behaviors impact how their children think and act. For example, some parents struggle with controlling their own behavior when angry which, if happens more often than not, can lead to anger management difficulties for their child. In this instance it is important to remember that our children often mimic how we cope with feelings, so if one parent tends to be a yeller then this is modeling that yelling is an acceptable form of expressing one’s anger. If yelling is not acceptable within the family home, then the fact that one parent yells can be quite confusing and frustrating for a child (and adolescent) when they are reprimanded for expressing their anger in the same way.
It can be helpful for parents to sit down together and talk about how they expect their children to act when confronted with a variety of positive and negative situations so that each parent can attempt to model these behaviors themselves. For example, what would you expect from your child when they are disappointed about not making the varsity soccer team? Would you expect them to come home ranting and raving about how the coach does not know anything and that the try-outs were fixed or would you expect them to come home and express their understandable disappointment and frustration in a more productive way. In this instance, it is then important for each parent to think about how they have dealt with disappointment in the past and recognize whether they displayed anger toward their boss after not receiving a promotion at work or whether they came home and openly acknowledged their disappointment and frustration by discussing the situation with their spouse.
The good news is that kids take in our positive moments too! So each time you are polite to a waiter, compliment a friend or constructively resolve a conflict with your partner they soak up those moments too. The more you model how you would like your child to respond to situations, the more probable it is that they will follow your lead and the better you will feel about your parenting. However, remembering that no one is perfect and, therefore, no parent is perfect is also important. You can model a healthy self-acceptance of your own areas that need improvement as a way of helping your child if they tend to beat themselves up after making a mistake. For example, if you lose your temper and end up yelling you can later apologize to your child and let them know what you would have done differently. By doing this you are not only modeling how to acknowledge and apologize when you’ve been wrong, but you are also showing them respect. Now, tilt that chin and go model!
Mary Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist