Lately, I’ve heard many parents express concern regarding their child’s choices in clothing and
accessories, while their child complains that parents simply don’t understand and are being too
controlling. While I certainly advocate for kids and teens to have freedom with respect to their choice
of attire, I also understand that the concern many parents have about their child’s clothing comes from a
place of love and protection. So, here are some thoughts for parents to entertain when confronted with the
question, “You want to wear what?”
Adolescence is a time for (healthy) experimentation and teens often try on many hats before figuring out
who they truly are and how they want to be perceived by the world. So for many teens, clothing choices
are a way to literally try on an identity. Their clothes often have an underlying meaning that is important
to them with respect to fitting in with their peer group. Therefore, that band t-shirt your child has been
begging for means more to them than just “I want that.” It is a way for your child to fit in with their
peers, have other kids notice them, or express who they are without having to say a word. Feeling like
one fits in, while simultaneously being unique, is one of the major goals teens have and clothing choices
not only help them portray who they are, but also help them feel more confident when in social situations.
Imagine for a moment that your child has decided to pick your outfit for your next business meeting
or social function…scary, right? Just as most children and teens do not understand the subtle nuances
associated with clothing and accessory choices many adults make (just think about the different sock,
watch, and shoe choices that are deemed socially appropriate given the situation), most adults do not
understand the meaning behind their child’s clothing choices. For example, adults who dress up for a job
interview are not only dressing up because of how they may be perceived, but also because dressing well
lends itself to increased self-confidence in a situation where another person is evaluating them. Similarly,
adolescents dress in particular styles because they feel more confident when interacting with peers who
they perceive as constantly evaluating them. Teens are in a heightened state of self-consciousness that
makes them feel like everyone is watching them. When embarrassed many people respond with anger or
irritability, which many be part of the reason a child may respond negatively if their parents try to make
them wear particular clothes. In the teen’s mind, those old, worn out jeans will make them look “cool”,
while those nice, new jeans will make them look like a “loser.”
When confronted with differences in opinion about what your child wants to wear, it is recommended
that parents explore their own reactions to their child’s choices. For many parents, their concern is not
only based upon a worry that others will treat their child negatively, but also based on a fear that others
will negatively judge them as parents. Once parents have a solid understanding of their own concerns
about their child’s clothing it is recommended that they then discuss their concerns with their child in
a non-judgmental way, while also listening to what their child says about why that particular outfit is
important to them. It is hoped that through open communication a compromise can be made so that
parents feel more comfortable and their teen feels heard. Finally, as long as the clothing choice is not
truly objectionable or inappropriate, it may be best to simply appreciate that you have a child who is in the
midst of healthy identity development. You might also take plenty of pictures so you can kindly remind
them of their “interesting” clothing choices when they are a parent themselves.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist