Families often come to our clinic feeling that they are not communicating well. Everyone is unhappy at the level and frequency of conflict that is present, and no one feels that they are getting their own needs met. Here are 3 steps you can follow the next time that there is a conflict brewing in your family. These steps won’t necessarily avoid the conflict, but they can reduce the level of negativity and help you find solutions that everyone can live with:
1. Make a factual observation when you are upset or concerned about something. This sounds very easy to do, but in fact, it is more difficult than one might think. When we are getting upset at another person, we are often more likely to make an accusation that contains a value judgment than we are to make a neutral observation.
Consider the difference between: “I notice that you came home late last night” and “I wish you’d be more responsible about your curfew.” The first presents a fact that both parties can agree occurred, whereas the latter makes an implicit accusation about responsibility (or lack thereof). Other examples of observations vs. accusations include: “I haven’t heard much from you lately” vs. “You always shut me out;” “I had to pick up your towel again this morning” vs. “When are you going to learn to clean up after yourself?”
2. State the feeling that you are experiencing and the corresponding need that goes with it. Sharing one’s own feelings avoids accusations or judgments, which are likely to promote escalating negativity and to leave the situation unresolved.
To continue with the examples from above, one might say: “I get worried when you are late….I need to know that you are okay.” “I like to know what is going on in your life… I miss talking to you.” “I get frustrated when I have to remind you to keep track of your things… I need for us all to share in the housework.”
3. Make a suggestion to solve the problem, or invite the other person to do so. What is important here is that the proposed resolution needs to be collaborative, such that you are offering a possibility, not issuing a command.
For example: “Could you text me if you are going to be more than 15 minutes late?” “Can we set aside some time this week to catch up?” “What can we do to help you remember your chores?”
The initial resolution may not work, in which case the whole process starts over again (e.g., “I notice that you were late for your curfew again. I’m feeling frustrated because our first solution didn’t work. Can we try something else?”). Be patient, and remember that it takes time and practice to establish good communication habits and to see the results, especially if less adaptive habits have been going on for some time.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist