As parents, we strive to do the right things for our kids. Unfortunately, many of the things we do in an effort to meet their needs actually work against the real goal of parenting, which is to create an environment in which children can grow into motivated, mature, and independent human beings. Below are a few well-intentioned parenting strategies that will most likely backfire.
1) Trying to be your child’s friend.
Many parents, uncomfortable with their child’s anger, hurt, or disappointment, will hesitate to enforce limits and rules in an effort to be the “nice guy.” What children learn from this is that they can never be sure what is expected of them, so they will continue to experiment and push boundaries to get some sense of right and wrong.
A related pitfall is using your child as a confidant. We are all human, and we cannot avoid having children see when we are emotional. In fact, it is often good for children to see their parents facing challenges. The difference is that when we cope with our problems effectively, including turning to our own support people, we serve as positive role models, but when we turn to our children for support or advice we are asking them to be adults before they are ready and undermine the respect children need to have for parents.
2) Minimizing or ignoring your child’s feelings.
This misstep usually happens as a result of our own inability to tolerate our children’s negative feelings. Often parents will respond to sadness, anger, or fear with teasing in an attempt to cheer them up or to help them become “tougher.” Unfortunately, this is more often experienced as a disapproval of the child’s real emotional state, leading the child to feel unsafe or unwilling to communicate with you in an open and honest way. As parents, it is crucial to show your child she is loved unconditionally, not only when she feels or acts a certain way. (This is not to say that every behavior is acceptable. Communicating unconditional love for your child as a person, while maintaining expectations and limits around behaviors, is one of the great parenting challenges – a discussion for another time).
3) Overprotecting your children and discouraging independence.
Life is full of problems to be solved and overcome, as well as mistakes that have consequences. When parents try to prevent every problem before it occurs, children are denied the experience of facing challenges and the opportunity to learn that they can come through the other side of discomfort. Everyone has to face obstacles and disappointment – we give our children valuable tools and confidence when we are there to offer support and encouragement as they go through the struggles they will inevitably face.
This is far from an exhaustive list, but rather a brief look at some of the more common mistakes parents make. If you remember that healthy and strong are not necessarily the same as comfortable and happy, and if you keep your eye on the big picture, your chances of raising successful human beings are greatly increased.
Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist