Time management is often a topic of discussion within my office, as well as, a source of conflict within many family homes. Upon first hearing about time management concerns, my response is typically to help families create predictable routines during moments when time becomes an issue, such as rushing around in the morning, getting to bed on time at night, or heading out the door to soccer practice. However, over the years it has become clear that even with a solid routine in place, some kids just don’t get time. While our children are taught how to tell time in school, the actual understanding of the concept of time is something most learn much later in life and, unfortunately for some, after experiencing the negative consequences that can result from not appreciating or understanding the concept of time. An important rule of thumb is to recognize that children tend to live in the moment, which can create several issues with regard to time management. In contrast, adults tend to struggle with living in the moment, but instead focus on the future.
While keeping in mind that children live in the moment, it can be helpful for parents to reframe blaming or frustrated thoughts (i.e. “he is stalling on purpose,” “she knows we only have 5 minutes,” ect.) into skill deficit thoughts (i.e. “he still does not understand that 1 minute is not a long amount of time” or “she still confuses 5 minutes with 15 minutes”). Viewing children’s concept of time from a skills deficit approach can help remind parents to stay calm and use the moment for teaching rather than getting upset, which can make the situation worse. For children, the idea that time flies when having fun is still forming. So keep in mind that when you say “only 5 more minutes on the iPad,” your child likely does not realize or even believe that 5 minutes can pass so quickly. The opposite is also true in that when a child is bored their concept of time can be skewed so that 5 minutes feels like 20 minutes. Hence, why you might hear the dreaded “Are we there yet” question over and over on a long car ride.
Another thought for parents to keep in mind is that children are still learning about cause-and-effect. So, while parents are able to predict that being late to school will not only mean portions of a lesson may be missed and that their child will receive a tardy, parents are also able to look further into the future and recognize that too many tardies may lead to both the child and the parent getting into trouble with the school. To help children better understand and predict the outcome of being late parents can talk through possible scenarios with their children either before a suspected “crunch time” or after a time when the child was late. The key is talking about the cause-and-effect when everyone is calm. Unfortunately, what tends to happen is we barrage our children with all of the potential effects of being late in the moment when emotions are high; therefore, our children are concentrating more on the feeling of being in trouble in the moment versus looking ahead and learning from their mistake.
Finally, transitioning between activities can be difficult for children, which can result in a two minute transition from the couch to the car turning into a 10 minute transition. For children that have difficulty transitioning from one activity to another, it can be helpful for them to receive reminders about time left for an activity, time between one activity to another, and time until a new activity. As parents, we are thinking about all of the different pieces that are required as part of an activity, whereas kids concentrate on the whole idea. For example, when most parents think about getting out the door for one child’s soccer practice followed by another child’s dance class, we are thinking about all of the items needed for each practice (i.e. shin-guards, cleats, tap shoes, ect.), as well as how to get everyone fed, when to get homework completed, whether the kids should shower tonight or in the morning, and what items we should take just in case, like coats, snacks, and a change of clothes. Meanwhile, the kids are concentrating on the here and now, such as what is on TV. So, when asked to change into their practice clothes during the middle of their favorite cartoon it feels like they are being interrupted rather than recognizing that now is not the time for TV. It is the feeling of being interrupted that most kids focus on versus rationally thinking about the result of finishing their show, so it can be helpful for parents to empathize and validate their child’s feelings, while also modeling calm behavior when stating it is still time to get in the car.
For example, “Sweetheart, I know that you love ‘Dog with a Blog’ and it feels like I’m always bugging you about something when you are having fun, but if we don’t leave in two minutes we will end up being late and that is going to not only frustrate me, but also the coaches and you have told me that you don’t like it when the coaches make you run around the field as a punishment. Why don’t we record the rest of the show and you can watch the end once you have finished up your homework when we get home later tonight?” Now, if your child answers with “No, I want to watch the rest of the show!” this is a good time to fall back on choices. “Ok, well you have two choices, one is for us to record the rest of the show and you watch it later tonight OR I turn off the show and you don’t get to watch it because we didn’t push record when we had the chance.” Even if a child begins melting down, it is imperative to stick with the choices and follow through. The expectation is that once your child realizes that you mean business and will follow through, they will be more likely to compromise with you in moments such as these.
While children may still struggle with time management, it is hoped that with a combination of validation of feelings, calm explanation of potential cause-and-effect scenarios, understanding that the area of time management is still developing, and consistent consequences, children will be more willing to work with parents in order to get to places on time and eventually grow into adults who are capable of managing their time.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist