As concerned parents, we think, plan, and sometimes obsess about how to prepare our children for their adult lives. We participate in their education, enroll them in sports and other activities, do what we can to build and maintain their self-esteem, try to instill good values, feed them healthful foods, save for college, keep track of their appointments and schedules, and countless other things that “good parents” do. But amid all our focus on what our children need us to do for them, we sometimes lose track of what our children need us to do for ourselves. Children learn more from us than we realize, and sometimes not what we are intending to teach them. A big part of what they learn is what adult relationships are like. So as we think about what we want to teach, give, and do for our children, let’s also think about what we are showing them, and what kind of models we are.
Families come in many different forms – mom and dad, mom alone, dad alone, mom and mom, dad and dad, mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, grandma and grandpa … but whoever our partner is, our relationship with that person serves as a template for the relationships our children will have. So don’t forget to treat each other well.
How, you may ask, am I supposed to find the time and energy to work on my own relationships? Frankly, it can be simple. Think about how you speak to each other. Do you find a moment to ask each other about the day and really listen to the answer? Do you take a moment to compliment your partner on what he or she is wearing, on how dinner tasted, on a success at work, on how he or she is managing with the children? Do you express interest in what your partner is reading or listening to? In the middle of our busy lives, these moments can make all the difference.
So – one final tip on making your relationship more positive, to help you be happier and healthier and model this for your children. Write a list of five things your partner can do to make you smile, and have your partner do the same. I’m not talking about big things, but about small moments like a kiss on the cheek, bringing home your favorite dessert, or even letting you choose a tv show to watch together. Then make an effort to do the things on each other’s lists. You’ll be amazed at the difference this can make – for your whole family.
Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist