Recent data indicates that more and more parents are facing the dilemmas that come from having adult children living with them. Whether your college age child is home for the summer, your recent college grad is back at home “temporarily,” or your adult child never left home, this living arrangement can be challenging for everyone involved. It is very important for parents to evaluate their old patterns with their children, and to establish new ones that are more appropriate.
Here are five tips to consider when you have a child who is over 18 living with you:
1. Avoid over functioning. It is easy to revert to old patterns of caregiving when your adult child is living with you. Most typically, this means the parent “over functioning” for the child and/or being too involved in their day-to-day lives (e.g. doing their laundry, making their doctor’s appointments). Avoid doing things for your children that they can do for themselves. If this has been your tendency in the past, be sure to have a frank conversation with your child about the changes that you want to put in place. Be specific about your expectations for his or her self-sufficiency.
2. Ask your child to contribute in some way to the running of the household. Think about what you would expect from an adult roommate, and use that model as your guideline. This can be in the form of sharing the household chores (e.g. cooking dinners, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash). For older adult children who are gainfully employed, this could also include sharing in financial responsibilities (e.g. paying their own mobile phone bill, paying for their own gas and car insurance, sharing in buying groceries).
3. Take on the role of consultant, not manager. You may not always agree with your adult child’s choices. However, as long as he or she is being a considerate household citizen, avoid giving unwanted advice and telling your adult child what to do. If he or she asks your opinion, you are free to give it, but even in that circumstance it is likely to be more helpful to push your adult child to think through a decision rather than dictating the perfect solution.
4. This is your house, not a hotel or a college dorm. Although it is reasonable for your adult child to be able to have independence while living with you, it is also perfectly okay to set limits around certain behaviors. Consider your own needs and values, and establish ground rules as quickly as possible around issues that are important to you. For example, how do you feel about the possibility of overnight guests? What are your expectations for how much communication is needed about comings and goings?
5. Make plans for the future. Presumably, neither you nor your adult child wants this living arrangement to continue forever. Especially if your child is over 18 and out of school, talk frankly about how long he or she will live with you and under what circumstances. Given that most parents’ goal is to raise their children to function independently, consider this mantra: “You can live here as long as you show us that you are working towards independence.” Decide what markers of independence are most important, and agree with your adult child that once those markers have been achieved, it’s time to leave.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist