With the start of a new school year, college freshmen around the country have been attending workshops on safety, including how to protect themselves from unwanted sexual behaviors. Some of these lessons involve fundamental self-defense and common sense, some involve admonitions against excessive drinking and drug use, and some focus on helping potential victims avoid potentially dangerous situations.
Additionally, there has been a great deal of media attention on new technology designed to help young women and men protect themselves against becoming victims of sexual assault. Underwear designed to “be very difficult for someone else to remove by either force or stealth,” pepper spray with a built-in camera that photographs the attacker and sends the picture to authorities, and nail polish that can detect the presence of “date-rape drugs” in a drink are just a few of the new products being talked about on college campuses and on social media.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that all of the discussion and attention being given to protecting oneself against sexual assault is critically important. At the same time, it is only one piece of what young women and young men need to know about sex. As parents, it is up to us to make sure that our children can make the best decisions possible. So here (adapted from the Sexual Intelligence blog at psychologytoday.com) are a few things we need to tell them:
• Whenever you have sex, you are 100% responsible for using birth control. Sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancies can, and do, happen, and the consequences may very well change your life forever.
• Do not get drunk in order to have sex. Listen to your sober self – if it doesn’t feel like the right person, the right time, the right place when you are substance-free, it most likely isn’t right for you at all.
• Do not have sex with a partner who is drunk. Have enough respect for yourself and the other person to be sure that everyone is making the right choice.
• “No” means “no.” It doesn’t mean “maybe,” or “I’m being coy,” or “keep asking.” One simple guideline can prevent all kinds of confusion, regret, or worse.
• Never use sex as a tool, as a means to an end, or as a weapon. This is harmful to the perpetrator as well as to the victim.
• Never send nude or semi-nude photos of yourself to anyone. Ever. Once you have, you have no control over what may happen to them. Keep control of who sees your body.
• If at any point in a sexual encounter you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, stop. If you don’t feel you can tell your partner to stop, you are not with the right partner, or you are not ready for sex at all.
I’m sure that many parents wish that the only conversation about sex they need to have would involve some variation on “wait until you’re married,” but this is hardly realistic. Teenagers and young adults are sexually active, regardless of what parents want. Helping them make mature, respectful, and safe decisions is critical as they move from childhood to adulthood. Maybe young adults can stop needing so much protection from the dangers of the wrong kind of sex, and move toward the right kind of sex that is loving, friendly, and fun.
Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist