In our romantic ideals, loving relationships are pictured as islands of peace, harmony, and joy, sheltering the couple from the hazards of the outside world. But anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows this is far from the truth. The hard fact is: couples disagree – sometimes rarely, sometimes often. Whether or not there is conflict is not what distinguishes healthy relationships from unhealthy relationships.
According to the work of psychologist John Gottman, one of the leading experts on marital stability and communication, negative interactions are actually necessary in relationships. Negative interactions help couples identify and work out patterns that have not been working, and they alert partners to differences in perspective. Without conflict, relationships cannot develop and move forward. What really separates happy couples from unhappy couples is a healthy balance between positive and negative interactions. In his research Gottman observed both happy and unhappy couples discussing conflictual topics and discovered what he calls the Magic Ratio: for every one negative interaction (criticism, angry tone), happy couples had five positive interactions. This number is so powerful, in fact, that an experienced observer can tell within just a couple of minutes whether a marriage is in danger.
What can we take from this research and use in our own lives? Remember that some negativity is necessary in a relationship, but positivity nourishes love. Remember that even though you sometimes disagree, you still love and are committed to your partner, and you can and must demonstrate it. Here are some ways to increase the positives in your relationship:
Show interest. When your partner is talking, stop what you are doing, pause in planning what you want to say next, make eye contact, and really listen.
Show affection. Hold hands, sit together, say “I love you,” do small thoughtful things.
Show care and concern. Give a hug, take a moment in the middle of the day to call and check in, send a text or email for no reason other than to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
Be appreciative. Compliment your partner, thank him or her for what he or she does for you, point out the positives.
Listen so you can understand. Use both verbal and nonverbal message to show that you are truly listening, and make sure you understand what he or she is telling you before you respond.
Be accepting. Even when you don’t like or agree with what your partner is saying, you can still accept and respect it.
Lighten up! Be playful, joke, and enjoy each other’s company, find ways to spend time together that is fun for both of you, and share your joy with your partner.
By being more attentive to the ways we interact with our partners, and by doing the math (5 positives to 1 negative), we all can become what Gottman calls “Masters of Marriage.”
Marcia Mofson, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist