Divorce brings up many emotions, including anger, sadness, loss, and/or relief, and individuals often need time away from their ex-spouse in order to work through their feelings and move forward. For spouses who also are parents, however, ongoing interactions with one’s ex-spouse are inevitable. That is, even though they are not married any longer, they will always be co-parents together. The quality of the co-parenting relationship is an important factor that affects a child’s adjustment after divorce. When parents are able to develop a respectful and collaborative co-parenting relationship even after their marital relationship ends, children of divorce are more likely to be happy and do well.
In order to co-parent as effectively as possible, several suggestions are encouraged:
1: Make your child’s happiness and well-being your number one joint goal.
2: Treat the other parent in a respectful, calm, direct, and neutral way. For example, treat him/her as you would a business colleague.
3: Treat your child as a child. Do not use your child as a messenger, spy, or friend.
4: Encourage your child to have a good relationship with the other parent.
5: Make visitation exchanges as calm and relaxed as possible.
6: Try to have similar rules, schedules, and expectations across both homes.
7: Do not talk poorly about the other parent in front of the child.
8: Keep conversations kid focused.
Depending on the nature of the former marital relationship or the stress of the divorce, it may be very difficult to put aside marital issues in order to focus on the child’s needs. If you need assistance to do so, seek counseling (either individually or together). Because children whose parents co-parent well are often more secure and have better problem-solving skills, by committing to strengthening your co-parenting relationship, you are investing in your child’s long-term well-being.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist