Quite a lot has been written about loss and grief. Many people are familiar with the model of grief introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that talks about denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Another well accepted model of grieving discusses 4 phases: numbness, searching and yearning, disorganization and despair, and reorganization and recovery. This model also sets out 4 specific tasks of mourning, including: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain, adjusting to the new environment in which the deceased is missing, and emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on.
While these models can definitely be very important in helping people understand and normalize their reactions to a loss, as well as in guiding them through the process of coming to terms with a loss, at times they can also seem relatively abstract (what does “emotionally relocating the deceased” look like, exactly?). This can be particularly true when faced with real-life challenges such as making it through the holiday season without a loved one.
Many people who have lost someone close to them find the holiday season to be especially difficult, even if the loss occurred some time ago. Entering in to the traditions of the holiday season often raise poignant reminders of those who have been lost. People who have experienced the loss might find themselves facing a range of challenges as well as distressing feelings. They may have to re-allocate the roles that used to be played by the person who is missing (“who is going to set up the Christmas tree” or “who will make my favorite cranberry sauce”). They may feel sadness at not being able to share this joyous time with their lost loved on, anger at being left to cope without him or her, or anxiety over how others (particularly children) may react to the changes that inevitably happen to family traditions when someone important dies.
The primary advice on coping with loss during this time of year is to be kind to yourself and seek support when you need it. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling, and find someone to share those feelings with. Friends and relatives can be a great support during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support. Bereavement support groups are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suits you.
Similarly, try not to take on any more than you can handle. Prioritize the things that are most important to you and to your immediate family, and leave the rest to someone else. Recruit friends and other family member to cover the bases if there are too many things to do during the holidays. Take care of your physical self by getting enough rest, nourishment and exercise.
Another common piece of advice is to find ways to honor and accommodate the memory of the one who has been lost into your holiday celebration. Especially for children, activities that renew the memory of a loved one can be soothing. A few ideas for remembering a loved one at the holidays include: making a collage of old holiday photographs, writing a letter to the lost person, making an ornament for him or her, lighting a candle in his or her memory and/or performing an act of charity in his or her honor.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist