The thought of telling a child about the death of a loved one is a daunting task for most parents. The first experience of loss is often associated with the death of a pet; however, the death of a grandparent or other close relative is often the experience that evokes tough questions and intense emotion. How much a child understands and reacts to death varies according to developmental stage, life experience, and temperament. However, there are a few important points that can be applied in most cases.
When telling a child about a recent death being open, honest, and validating is key. As adults we have many questions about death and dying ourselves, hence it only natural that you may not have all the answers to the questions your child asks you. If your family follows a particular faith, it may be helpful to both you and your child to incorporate your faith’s teachings and beliefs when attempting to answer tough questions. Additionally, it is important to understand that we all experience death differently; therefore, sending the message that all emotions are acceptable helps create a reassuring environment. Depending upon your child’s development, you might also want to avoid using terms that suggest a loved one is sleeping or lost. Many younger children are literal thinkers; therefore, they may not understand the difference between sleeping in the general sense versus the idea of “eternal sleep.”
Research has shown that children’s understanding of death varies according to their developmental stage. For instance, preschoolers do not fully understand that death is a permanent state; therefore, they sometimes struggle with understanding that the deceased will not be coming back. School age children (i.e. 5 years to 9 years) usually comprehend the finality of death and often personify death through archetypes such as the boogeyman or the grim reaper, which can lead to fears and even nightmares. Around the age of 10 years through adolescence, children finally realize that death is irreversible and unavoidable, even for themselves. During this stage, it is not uncommon for adolescents to want to explore the meaning of life, as well as the meaning of death. It is during this time, that parents and adolescents may engage in deep theoretical discussions, so it is important for parents to monitor their own reactions to death so that they continue to provide an open, accepting environment.
Finally, it may be helpful to know that there are several stages of grief most individuals experience; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1969). The five stages are not necessarily experienced in order or by everyone, but are meant to help normalize individual experiences. For instance, while one family member is experiencing feelings of anger, another may be experiencing intense sadness, yet each individual’s experience is healthy.
Mary K. Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist